1. Go to the crafts store.
2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of
paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.
3. Return home.
4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-
out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better
yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it
for insulation in the attic.
5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the
disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently
pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.
6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.
7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding
8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and
finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a
warm glow to the "fruitcake."
9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress.
When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a
really rich fruitcake!" Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its
10. Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake.
Nobody actually eats fruitcake... that's just a rumor. Just so
you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the
same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of
about 237 years.
Special note: Make sure to sign your initials on the bottom of
your masterpiece-- just in case someone tries to give YOU a
"Paris-style fruitcake" next year...