I read with disbelief your paper "IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS" in light of the seemingly unreputable scientific evidence presented, I passed the article to our School of Science for confirmation of your calculations. I was relieved when I recieved the following reply which confirms my belief in the existence of Santa.
THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS
An earlier circulation made some erroneous assumptions leading to a totally fatuous argument concerning the possibility of the existence of Santa Claus. The authors of the document place all their trust in classical mechanics and show a woeful ignorance of any Santum effects deriving from the wave-nature of Santa.
===== WAVE THEORY =====
Any impartial observer will note that as soon as consideration is given to the theory, two very significant features become immediately evident. We are confident with some certainty of the high kinetic energy of the particle (i.e. santum) and hence have little confidence in the spatial position of the santum. Yes, santum is a wave and not localised to one volume of space. Anyone familiar with wave theory will have encountered tunnelling effects e.g. electron tunnelling. The phenomenon in the santum effect is more correctly termed "the chimney effect" . Hence the santum particle may appear to penetrate walls, enter and escape from locked rooms etc. You may well ask what evidence there is to support the theory and of course at this moment scientists are agreed that it is tenuous and circumstantial. The bulk of evidence comes through attempted observations of Santa which invariably give readings in the red region of the visible spectra due to red shift. As you wilI be aware nearly all sightings of Santa have been reported as having red associations.
===== PROOF OF THE PUDDING =====
It has been clear for some time that work needs to be done substantiating the theory. A major research project is underway currently. A team at the University of Greenwich have landed a plum contract to enable them to investigate the phenomenon over the festive season. Based at the Thames barrier, a diffraction grating is being erected to show the wave nature of Santum. The grating will consist of a giant array of Christmas puddings. Continuous monitoring over the festive season should provide the evidence we seek.
===== THE FUTURE =====
Answering one question will open the door to futher questions: How can tonnes of non-santa material be inter-converted and travel as a wave? Will this lead to a practical form of space travel? [One note of caution to those stimulated to any theoretical calculations involving this phenomenon .... the SI unit you should use is the kSa (kilosanta) not the Sa as you might have expected. You may also find it convenient to use the non-Si unit of red shift the Rudolf]
--Attributed to: Dr. Mary Claus The School of Biological & Chemical Sciences University of Greenwich London
All rights reserved, original spelling is copywrite of the author (c) Grahame Buller, 1995.